Authenticity and Being a Stepmom

When reading through these definitions, I thought about how being authentic is linked to your stepmom role. Ever feel like you have to act a certain way as a stepmom? Or feel like you can’t quite be yourself? Maybe you are putting pressure on yourself to conform to a particular ideal of how you think you should be? Because the very nature of our role is a gray area, tinged in uncertainty, as stepmoms we can start doubting ourselves. Or we might become focused on being liked by others in our lives, whether it’s our stepchildren, other moms, or even our stepchild’s mom. (Although we would never actually admit this!)

In general, many women are relationship-oriented by nature, so we want to connect with people around us, whether those people are our coworkers, neighbors, or our new family. We want to form strong bonds not only with our partner but also with our stepchildren. This can send us on a quest for approval and praise, while putting a lot of undue pressure on ourselves. This can even lead us to losing ourselves because we are always trying to please others.

Stepfamily Dynamics at Play

Unfortunately, the reality is just by the nature of our stepmom role, we won’t receive a lot of praise and we’re not even necessarily set up to be liked by our stepchildren. With stepfamily dynamics at play, along with strong loyalty binds to their biological parents, our stepchildren are programmed to dislike us. It’s not that they dislike us personally; it’s more that they wouldn’t like any woman who became their stepmom. And if they do start to feel close to their stepmom, they may pull back because of their loyalty bind, or intense inner feelings of loyalty, to their mom. They might feel guilty or may feel like they are betraying their mom if they like their stepmom.

However, it’s really hard not to take it personally, and that’s when not being liked or not receiving praise can affect our self-esteem. This doesn’t just apply to stepmoms. Anyone who feels like they are constantly trying to be liked or anyone who is hoping for some praise feels the same way.

Unhooking from Praise and Criticism

You might be wondering how to break this unhealthy cycle of seeking praise from others. Author Tara Mohr offers a powerful strategy in her book, Playing Big. She calls this “unhooking from praise and criticism.”  Mohr offers several principles to help you unhook from praise and criticism, but the one that can really help is to ask yourself:

• What is more important to me than being praised or liked in this situation?

The answer to this question should remind you of where your true priorities lie. Let’s say you help your stepchild with a big project at school. Why? Was it because you wanted to receive praise? It’s always nice to receive recognition, but I’m guessing most of you would say you helped because you want your stepchild to learn as much as possible and be successful in school.

Asking yourself this question can help you unhook from praise and criticism and reframe the situation. This helps you focus your attention on your priorities. It will take some practice, but you can do it!

Focusing on Being Authentic

The other part of this equation is recognizing your uniqueness and focusing on being your authentic self. What is unique about you? How can you enrich your stepchild’s life while staying true to yourself? Alice, a stepmother to one teenage girl, loves to cook and host family dinners. Her stepdaughter was more accustomed to dinners-on-the-go rather than having the family gathered around the dining table. However, she was quick to tell Alice how much she enjoyed these meals.  What a blessing for Alice and her stepdaughter! Alice enjoyed cooking for her family, as it was a way for her to express her love, and her stepfamily loved the family togetherness and food at these family dinners. Just like Alice, you have talents or passions that you probably take for granted, but can help you be there for your new family in an authentic way without putting added pressure on yourself.

Support for Stepmoms

If you want more in-depth support on being authentic in your stepmom role, commit to doing the work in Stepmom Bootcamp: A 21-Day Challenge. Stepmom Bootcamp has daily challenges that help you transform your stepmom life. In fact, Day 6 is all about being authentically you. If you’re ready to change your life, you can get your copy here.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author.

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At one point, as Rosie and Noreen start discussing their parents’ lives, they seem to catch themselves.

“If we spent even a quarter of the time focusing on ourselves that we do worrying about everyone else’s lives…” Rosie said.

“Why do you think that is?” Noreen asked.

“I like to think it’s because I’m such a kind, loving, unselfish person.” She laughed. “But if I’m really honest with myself, I think I spend a lot of time hiding behind the never-ending needs of my family. It keeps me from having to think about what I want out of my own life.”

What a powerful moment in the book! How often do we focus on others simply because it’s easier than focusing on ourselves?

How to Create Joy in Your Life

Make Self-Care a Priority

Choose a variety of activities each month that fulfill you socially, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Select activities that will help you face each day with energy, joy, and enthusiasm. In other words, these activities fill your cup and help you be the best version of yourself. I like to plan a lazy Saturday morning each month. I block off my calendar so I can sleep in, have pancakes, put a heated lavender eye mask on, and read or watch a movie. This recharges me so I can enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Self-care may mean something as simple as getting outside each day, or taking a yoga class. In fact, a study by researchers at NYU Grossman School of Medicine found that yoga was more effective than stress education in treating people with generalized anxiety disorder. More than 54 percent of people with anxiety noticed an improvement in symptoms after doing yoga two hours a week for three months, compared to 33 percent who received stress education. Whether it’s yoga, or jogging, or spending time friends, find an outlet that allows you to be yourself and release stress.

Make a Plan

Feeling stuck in your daily routine? Or feeling like you’re not living live to the fullest? If you have a plan, you’ll stay focused on your own aims and goals. One idea is to try making a “23 for 2023 List” of aims. This list idea was inspired by Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project. I made my list in late January, and my items ranged widely from taking a pottery class, to reading 50 books this year, to spending a couple weeks in Greece. I love crossing things off my list, and when I have some free time, I look at my list to see if there’s something I can conquer.

Self-Regulate

Stepmom life can be stressful, but your strength lies in how you handle that stress. Notice when your body is feeling tense. If you have a perceived threat, your body’s alarm system, or sympathetic nervous system is activated. When this happens, your heart rate goes up, your breathing quickens, and your muscles tense. It’s what we commonly refer to as the “Flight or Fight Response” to threats or danger.

In order to interrupt this threat response during every day triggers or stressors, use tactical breathing and body scanning techniques to relax your body and feel more comfortable. You can learn more about these techniques and how to use them here. If you’re able to physically relax your body, you won’t feel stressed.

These are three quick tips to create joy in your life. If you start practicing these on a regular basis, you’ll notice a difference! What do you do to create joy in your life? Share in the comments!

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

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What is Closeness Communication Bias?

A couple of weeks ago, I was having dinner with my husband and my parents. My husband started asking my parents questions about when they met, and how they started dating. This was a story I thought I knew well, so I wasn’t listening attentively. However, as my parents were sharing their story, I found myself saying, “What? I didn’t know that?!” and “Really?” quite a few times.

This is an example of closeness communication bias, which means that we assume we know everything about our loved ones, so we fail to listen closely. We become complacent in our relationship, and stop being curious about each other. Why? Because we overestimate how well we know the other person. This causes us to miss out on important moments with our loved ones.  

How to Overcome Closeness Communication Bias

1. Ask your spouse questions and practice empathic listening. Shared vulnerability leads to feelings of intimacy and closeness. Try asking your spouse “The 36 Questions that Lead to Love.” Arthur Aron, a psychology professor, used these questions in a research study. He paired students together, and had them ask each other these 36 questions. After finishing the exercise, the paired students reported strong feelings of closeness, more so than other students who were paired together to accomplish a task. In fact, two pairs of the subjects ending up getting married later on.

2. Eat dinner together as a family. I know this is challenging with school, work, and extracurricular activities, but try to make it happen when you can. Numerous studies have touted the benefits of families eating together, ranging from lower depression rates among teens to higher GPAS to lower obesity rates. The Family Dinner Project, created by a group of Harvard researchers, has conversation starters, recipes, and even games to play with your family.

3. Try improv. It sounds silly, but many companies, such as Google and Ford, have used it for professional development and team building activities with their employees. I tried it myself a couple years ago, and I found 3 basic improv techniques to improve stepfamily communication.

4. Give your full attention to the speaker, whether it’s your spouse or your daughter or your stepson. Non-verbal cues are key! In fact, at least 55 percent of the emotional content of a message is expressed non-verbally, according to psychologist Albert Mehrabian’s research. If you’re looking at your phone or the TV, you’re missing a big chunk of what the speaker is trying to say. Put your phone away and tune out distractions. Be fully present in the moment.  

Try it Out

I hope that you can carve out a little time in your day to try these exercises. Investing time in your family is one of the biggest investments you’ll make. One way we can achieve this is through talking and really listening to our loved ones. As Mother Teresa said, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post Closeness Communication Bias: Why it’s Hurting our Relationships appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

There are different types of visualization techniques. We use some in everyday life, such as when we visualize our performance before giving a presentation. Others are used in cognitive behavioral therapy to help people reduce anxiety or find motivation. Athletes consistently use visualization to improve their athletic performance. We can also apply this technique to our stepfamily life to visualize an intended outcome or to rehearse a scenario. Visualization can give us a means of control in a situation that we may feel is otherwise uncontrollable.

60 Seconds a Day: How to Use Visualization in Your Stepfamily Life

1. Choose a mental barrier you would like to overcome or a goal you would like to achieve within your stepfamily.

Some examples of typical barriers in stepfamilies are:

• feeling stressed out on transition days
• getting upset when clothes aren’t sent back between households
• getting triggered when the custody schedule changes

Some examples of common goals in stepfamilies are:

• better communication between spouses
• stronger connections with stepfamily members
• healthier relationships within the stepfamily

2. Set aside 60 seconds a day to visualize yourself overcoming that barrier or achieving that goal. In addition to visualizing, you can also write or talk about what you want to achieve. If you want a concrete visual reminder, you can create a vision board.

By making a small investment of 60 seconds a day, you will give energy to what you want to overcome or achieve. As author David Schwartz said, “Look at things not as they are but as they can be. Visualization adds value to everything. A bigger thinker always visualizes what can be done in the future.”

Ready for a Challenge?

If you are ready for a change, join a 21-day challenge with Stepmom Bootcamp. Stepmom Bootcamp will help you transform your stepmom life. By completing readings, daily challenges, and reflections, you will gain a better understanding of yourself as a stepmom. You will walk away with inner peace, greater clarity on your stepmom role, and a vision for your life in the future.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post Visualization: 60 Seconds a Day to a Better Stepfamily Life appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Forced Family Fun

One year, I was in Nebraska visiting my family at the end of the year, so I “strongly encouraged” my whole family to fill out reflection sheets for the year. By strongly encourage, I mean that the no-nonsense teacher in me appeared, and I made them all sit down at the table, handed out pens and paper, and told them to get started. If someone tried to slip away, I looked at their partially completed paper and guided them back to their chair. In the beginning, they were joking around—trying to look at their neighbor’s paper, shuffling their papers around as they were trying to come up with ideas for each of the categories. After they finished, I asked each person to share one section of their sheet.

As we went around the room, listening to each person share, I realized that everyone was present. Fully present in the moment. They were really listening to each person share. Smiles broke out when someone mentioned their name as part of their best family memory.  Before long, they were wistfully reminiscing about their memories over the past year and laughing about some of the lessons that others learned. The best part was that we all learned something about each other (and ourselves) in the process.

Benefits of Reflecting and Goal-Setting

My point is you might have to “strongly encourage” or force your family to participate in reflection and goal setting. However, once you do it, your whole family will reap the benefits. In fact, one study discovered that people who reflect regularly are happier, more productive, and less burnt out than those who don’t. Furthermore, according to researchers, you are 42% more likely to achieve your goals if you write them down.

That’s why I created doodling pages to help you get started. Start with 2022 and do some reflecting. Afterwards, move on to 2023 and set goals to get a strong start on the new year. I’d love to hear about your best family memory from 2022.  Share yours in the comments below!

For more ideas on how to start a practice of Intentional Reflection, click here.

Free Printables: 2022 Reflection and 2023 Goal-Setting Sheets

Click on the sheets below to download them!

Ready for a Challenge?

If you are ready for a change, join a 21-day challenge with Stepmom Bootcamp. Stepmom Bootcamp will help you transform your stepmom life. By completing readings, daily challenges, and reflections, you will gain a better understanding of yourself as a stepmom. You will walk away with inner peace, greater clarity on your stepmom role, and a vision for your life in the future.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post Stepmoms, Make 2023 Your Best Year Yet! appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Stepfamily life can be stressful. You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells and find yourself second-guessing something you said to your stepchildren or to your spouse. Did that come off the right way? Was that hurtful? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Ever woken up at night and started ruminating over something that happened earlier that day?

That’s where self-compassion comes in. If you get into the habit of practicing self-compassion, you’ll notice a difference in how you approach situations in your stepfamily. According to findings by Dr. Kristin Neff, a lead researcher on self-compassion, greater self-compassion reduces anxiety and depression.

What is Self-Compassion?

So you’ve probably heard of self-compassion, but what is it exactly? In simple terms, self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend, especially in regards to your self-talk. A more in-depth definition includes three core elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Pay special attention to how you treat yourself when you make a mistake. Do you have a harsh “inner critic” who is constantly berating you? Or are you supportive and encouraging when things don’t go as planned? Let’s take a look at examples for each of the core elements for someone who is practicing self-compassion.

The Three Core Elements of Self-Compassion

Self-kindness means not beating yourself up or being overly critical when you make a mistake. Instead, you are encouraging and supportive, just as you would be with a good friend. Yeah, it’s too bad that happened, but it’s not the end of the world. I was coming from a place of love and I meant well.

Common humanity is recognizing that everyone fails and makes mistakes at times. It’s what makes us human. Everyone says something that comes out wrong at times. It’s perfectly natural to slip up and say something, but I’m trying my best.

Mindfulness is being present in the moment and being aware of your thoughts and emotions, allowing yourself to feel those unpleasant feelings but not drowning in them. I feel bad about what I said. Of course I wish I hadn’t said it, but I did. I will apologize and explain myself tomorrow.

When we approach those tough moments with self-compassion, our emotional well-being improves. We don’t ruminate as much, and our relationships are stronger. We can handle situations with resilience, and over time, we are able to transform our lives.

For Further Reading

Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and Thrive. Guilford Publications.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post The Importance of Self-Compassion appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Excerpt from Day 2 of Stepmom Bootcamp: A 21-Day Challenge

Visualize and Set Goals

Now that you have completed your Future Self visualization, the next step is to set goals to help you become that woman you want to be.

Let’s imagine that your future self is a self-assured, confident woman who invites you into her home. She lives in a seaside cottage, set high upon a hill overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Her house is light, airy, and welcoming, with bright accent colors such as turquoise and coral. You notice artifacts from her travels around the room. You see pictures of her and her partner on the beach, as well as pictures of her stepkids and grandkids near a waterfall.

She starts talking excitedly about her latest trip with her spouse to Macchu Pichu in Peru. She mentions that she is also looking forward to seeing her stepkids and grandkids this summer. They are all getting together at a resort in Zion National Park. They’re going to go hiking, fishing, and have s’mores around a bonfire in the evenings.

So you see that your future self has a healthy marriage and she also has a good relationship with her stepkids. You get the impression that she sees her stepkids and grandkids on a regular basis, and they enjoy their time together. You notice that your future self likes to travel, both with her spouse, and also with her stepkids and grandkids. If that’s the case, you should set some goals to travel as a couple, and also plan separate trips with your stepkids.

You also notice that your future self seems happy in her marriage. When you think about your current relationship with your partner, you realize that in order to have a happier marriage, you need to have better communication with your spouse about your stepchildren. Hence, it becomes one of your goals that you write down. Or maybe you realize that you’re not as loving as you would like to be. So you write down a goal of leaving a love note or giving a compliment every day. 

Your Turn: Write it Down

It’s important to write these goals down, as research has shown if you write them down, you’re 42 percent more likely to achieve them. Write down at least three specific goals to work on. After you’ve written them down, ask yourself these two questions:

• How will I achieve this?
• Which steps will I take on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis?

Take it a Step Further…

Another great way to have a visual reminder of your goals is to create a vision board of the life you want to have in the future. You can also get your whole family involved by having everyone make a vision board of their goals for their future.

Reflection

How did you feel about your vision of your life 20 years from now? What surprised you most about your future self?

What do you want to keep in mind for the future?

What did you gain from this experience?

Get Started with Stepmom Bootcamp

To discover other strategies that will help you in your stepmom role, check out Stepmom Bootcamp: A 21-Day Challenge. Stepmom Bootcamp has daily challenges that will help you transform your stepmom life.

The post Set Goals to Grow into Your Future Self appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Excerpt from Day 2 of Stepmom Bootcamp: A 21-Day Challenge

As stepmoms, it can be easy for us to get embroiled in what is currently happening in our stepfamily, whether it is a custody battle or disciplinary issues with our stepchildren. We forget to think about what we want for the future. The custody battle will end, and your stepchildren will grow up, but what kinds of dreams do you and your partner have for the future after your stepchildren have left home? Do you dream about retiring in Mexico, where you and your spouse will live in a seaside cottage? Or do you picture yourself as an active grandma, taking care of grandchildren and hosting Sunday dinners for the family every week?

Visualize Your Future Self

One powerful way to figure out where you’re going and which steps you need to take in the future is through visualization and then goal-setting based on that visualization. We’re going to start by adapting a technique called “Future Self” from the Coaches Training Institute.

First, find a comfortable spot to sit. Be sure to have a notebook and pen nearby so you can take notes. Close your eyes and relax. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breath. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Next, imagine that you are going to travel 20 years into the future to visit yourself.

Once you arrive, picture yourself walking up to the house. What do you see? What kind of place do you live in? Notice the details of the house and the neighborhood.

You knock on the door, and your future self opens the door. What does she look like? How does she act? As she greets you and invites you inside, notice what the inside of her house looks like. What kind of feeling do you have as you walk inside? 

As you look around the house, take in the details of her home. What kind of furniture does she have? What is sitting on her coffee table or on her mantle in the living room? Who is in the house? What is she interested in?

Chat with Your Future Self

Imagine she invites you to sit down in her favorite spot and have a chat. You ask her what has mattered to her most over the past 20 years. You listen intently as she shares. Ask her, “What do I need to do to get from where I am to where you are?” Listen carefully and ask questions as she responds.

Ask her, “How has your role as a stepmom evolved?” Be open to listening to her answers, and let her answers surprise you.

Ask her, “What advice would you give to me?” Listen carefully to what she has to say. Be open to her responses.

At the end of your visit, thank her for her support and guidance. You are grateful for her wisdom, and you know that you can return at any time to visit her.

Your Turn: Write it Down

Now open your eyes, and write in detail about what you experienced in your visualization. Make sure to write down feelings, images, and descriptions of your time with your future self. Try to capture what you saw and how you felt.

This woman, your future self, will become your inner mentor and will help guide you in your everyday decisions. Your goal will be to work towards that visualization, and you will ask questions of your inner mentor, who is actually an older, wiser version of you. Use the vision of your life that you experienced to set goals and work towards becoming that woman or stepmom that you want to be. Step by step, start making decisions that allow you to grow into that vision of your future self.

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Crossing a Suspension Bridge

As stepmoms, we tend to be cautious in what we say and do since the bond is fragile in the beginning. I liken it to walking on a suspension bridge. As you’re walking across the bridge, you can feel the bridge swaying back and forth. You slow your pace and try to stay balanced as the bridge is moving below your feet. You’re making progress, but it takes longer to cross the bridge, and you have an unsteady feeling as you’re going across. It takes patience, strength, and resolve to make it to the other side. This is a perfectly natural feeling when you are traversing a shaky bridge or navigating a fragile relationship.

How can we make it smoother?

Of course, each stepfamily will have its own set of challenges depending on their unique circumstances. Research has shown that when you attempt a big challenge, it can seem overwhelming. However, when you break it down into a series of small steps, that challenge is achievable. These small steps are known as bridge challenges because they bridge the gap between what you see as possible and impossible. You’ll find 21 small steps that you can take to provide the foundation for change in Stepmom Bootcamp. Above all, remember that true change and growth comes out of these small steps or experiences. In the words of Frederick Douglass, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”

The post Progress Takes Time, Stepmom! appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

What is Intentional Reflection?

We can also apply intentional reflection to our stepmom life. Intentional reflection is simply making a plan to reflect on a regular basis. If you create a habit of reflecting on your stepmom role, it will improve your stepmom life in a few key ways.

Benefits of Intentional Reflection

• Reflection allows you to measure your progress over a period of time. Sometimes you may feel like you’re not making progress in your stepmom role, but if you reflect on a regular basis, you’ll be able to see how small steps have led to improvements. If you think back to when you first got married or first started dating, until now, you’ll realize how many changes your stepfamily has gone through.
• Reflection helps you process what happened. When you’re reflecting, you think about what went well and what you would change for next time without getting caught up in the intensity of your emotions. This allows you to step back and think about the situation in an objective way. You can then use these reflections to be better prepared the next time this situation comes up. For instance, if your last family vacation was a disaster, you can reflect on that experience to figure out what you can change for the next one.
• Reflection is a time to be still with your thoughts. All of us can benefit from being intentional about taking some time to reflect on our stepmom life. Instead of always looking forward, take some quiet moments to yourself to simply think and reflect. This also gives you an opportunity to appreciate what I like to call small victories in your stepmom life. Small victories are anything that made someone in your family feel good. It could have been a fun family game night, a sincere thank you after dinner, or just a hug.

How to Practice Intentional Reflection

After hearing about the benefits of intentional reflection, you might be wondering how to put it into practice. Here are a few simple steps to get started:

• Get a journal or a notebook to dedicate to your reflections. You might want to decorate the outside of the notebook to motivate yourself to use it. Or you can always buy a special one specifically for your intentional reflection practice!
• Set aside 10-15 minutes at least 3 times a week to check in with yourself. Try to set aside a regular time and add it to your calendar so you will stay on track.
• Make a list or keep a journal. This list or journal should cover what went well, what you would change, and what you will try in the future in your stepfamily life.
• Read through it at the end of the week. Congratulate yourself on the small victories and make a plan for changes. You can do this on Sunday evenings as part of your routine to get ready for the next week.

The most important step you can take today is to make a commitment to start practicing intentional reflection. Once you get into a regular rhythm of reflecting, you will be able to apply what you learned to your stepmom role, transforming yourself into a stronger and more resilient stepmom. If you would like structured, in-depth support with using intentional reflection, look into our resources.

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