Authenticity and Being a Stepmom

When reading through these definitions, I thought about how being authentic is linked to your stepmom role. Ever feel like you have to act a certain way as a stepmom? Or feel like you can’t quite be yourself? Maybe you are putting pressure on yourself to conform to a particular ideal of how you think you should be? Because the very nature of our role is a gray area, tinged in uncertainty, as stepmoms we can start doubting ourselves. Or we might become focused on being liked by others in our lives, whether it’s our stepchildren, other moms, or even our stepchild’s mom. (Although we would never actually admit this!)

In general, many women are relationship-oriented by nature, so we want to connect with people around us, whether those people are our coworkers, neighbors, or our new family. We want to form strong bonds not only with our partner but also with our stepchildren. This can send us on a quest for approval and praise, while putting a lot of undue pressure on ourselves. This can even lead us to losing ourselves because we are always trying to please others.

Stepfamily Dynamics at Play

Unfortunately, the reality is just by the nature of our stepmom role, we won’t receive a lot of praise and we’re not even necessarily set up to be liked by our stepchildren. With stepfamily dynamics at play, along with strong loyalty binds to their biological parents, our stepchildren are programmed to dislike us. It’s not that they dislike us personally; it’s more that they wouldn’t like any woman who became their stepmom. And if they do start to feel close to their stepmom, they may pull back because of their loyalty bind, or intense inner feelings of loyalty, to their mom. They might feel guilty or may feel like they are betraying their mom if they like their stepmom.

However, it’s really hard not to take it personally, and that’s when not being liked or not receiving praise can affect our self-esteem. This doesn’t just apply to stepmoms. Anyone who feels like they are constantly trying to be liked or anyone who is hoping for some praise feels the same way.

Unhooking from Praise and Criticism

You might be wondering how to break this unhealthy cycle of seeking praise from others. Author Tara Mohr offers a powerful strategy in her book, Playing Big. She calls this “unhooking from praise and criticism.”  Mohr offers several principles to help you unhook from praise and criticism, but the one that can really help is to ask yourself:

• What is more important to me than being praised or liked in this situation?

The answer to this question should remind you of where your true priorities lie. Let’s say you help your stepchild with a big project at school. Why? Was it because you wanted to receive praise? It’s always nice to receive recognition, but I’m guessing most of you would say you helped because you want your stepchild to learn as much as possible and be successful in school.

Asking yourself this question can help you unhook from praise and criticism and reframe the situation. This helps you focus your attention on your priorities. It will take some practice, but you can do it!

Focusing on Being Authentic

The other part of this equation is recognizing your uniqueness and focusing on being your authentic self. What is unique about you? How can you enrich your stepchild’s life while staying true to yourself? Alice, a stepmother to one teenage girl, loves to cook and host family dinners. Her stepdaughter was more accustomed to dinners-on-the-go rather than having the family gathered around the dining table. However, she was quick to tell Alice how much she enjoyed these meals.  What a blessing for Alice and her stepdaughter! Alice enjoyed cooking for her family, as it was a way for her to express her love, and her stepfamily loved the family togetherness and food at these family dinners. Just like Alice, you have talents or passions that you probably take for granted, but can help you be there for your new family in an authentic way without putting added pressure on yourself.

Support for Stepmoms

If you want more in-depth support on being authentic in your stepmom role, commit to doing the work in Stepmom Bootcamp: A 21-Day Challenge. Stepmom Bootcamp has daily challenges that help you transform your stepmom life. In fact, Day 6 is all about being authentically you. If you’re ready to change your life, you can get your copy here.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author.

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National Stepfamily Day is a nationally and an internationally recognized holiday that is celebrated on September 16^th each year. It’s a time for stepfamilies to get together and celebrate being part of a stepfamily. Christy Tusing-Borgeld is the founder of National Stepfamily Day and you can read the inspiring story of how she started it HERE. This year, National Stepfamily Day falls on a Saturday, so get ready to celebrate this special day over the weekend.

8 Ways to Celebrate National Stepfamily Day:

1. Have a family picnic. Enjoy the outdoors and have a picnic. You can even get a fun picnic basket for the occasion!
2. Try cookie decorating. Cookie, cupcake, or cake decorating is a fun side-by-side activity that is perfect for the whole family. Plus, you can enjoy all of the goodies that you decorate!
3. Go on a bike ride. Go on a bike ride around your neighborhood or load your bikes up and check out a new trail. You can even get bike lights and go at night for a real adventure.
4. Play board games. Scrabble, Monopoly, or Clue, anyone?!
5. Go out for ice cream or a boba tea. You don’t have to do anything too elaborate- just enjoy having a treat with each other.
6. Play a sport together. Frisbee, sand volleyball, softball… Get everyone together and have some fun! Miniature golfing is also a fun, low-key activity.
7. Rent a pedal boat or a kayak. Check local lakes or parks to see if they have pedal boats or kayaks available to rent. Get out on the water and cool off!
8. Enjoy fall activities together. Find a sunflower field, go apple-picking, or visit a pumpkin farm. Make the most of the fall season!

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post 8 Ways to Celebrate National Stepfamily Day in 2023 appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Stepmoms already have a lot on their plate when it comes to juggling the demands of family life. From managing your stepchildren’s schedules to organizing paperwork and keeping your home clean, it can feel like there’s always something that needs your attention. And with many parents working from home these days, staying organized can feel even more daunting. The good news is that there are plenty of ways to stay on top of things without breaking the bank. Today, we’ll explore some practical tips to help you organize your home and keep your life running smoothly!

Create a Digital Document Storage System

As a stepmom, you likely have a lot of documents to store, organize, and manage. From immunization records to report cards, you’ll want to keep these documents easily accessible and up-to-date. One way to keep these documents organized is to create a digital filing system. Using a cloud-based service like Google Drive or Dropbox is a convenient and secure way to store digital copies of your important family files.

Additionally, it’s important to have a system for updating these documents as needed. If you’re having trouble sending these files via email or storing them on your devices, for instance, you may consider this option which allows you to compress your files for free, making them easier to work with.

Clean and Organize as You Go

Instead of waiting for the weekend to tackle a mountain of cleaning tasks, try incorporating small organizational tasks into your daily routine. Cleaning your home as you go about your day will help you maintain a tidy and organized living space. This means wiping down counters after preparing meals, loading and unloading the dishwasher as needed, making your bed in the morning, and putting things away after using them. You can avoid clutter from piling up by ensuring you have space to store new items before purchasing. Creating storage solutions such as shelves, hooks, and baskets can also help maximize space and keep your home organized!

Use Apps to Simplify Meal Planning

Are you tired of struggling to come up with meal ideas every week? Meal planning can seem like a daunting task, but with the help of apps, it can be a breeze! Simply Recipes explains that popular meal-planning apps like Paprika, Forks Over Knives, and Yummly offer a variety of features, such as customizable meal plans, grocery lists, and recipe suggestions to help you feed your family and save money doing it. Meal planning apps can also mean less wasted food.

Motivate Your Kids to Help Around the House

Getting your stepchildren to help out around the house is a great way to teach them responsibility and life skills while carving out more time for yourself. But how do you motivate your children to pitch in? EmpoweringParents.com suggests setting time limits for chores, using an allowance as leverage, or creating rules that certain chores need to be done before video games or TV. And be sure to reward your child if they tackle a chore without being asked!

Schedule Time for Yourself

Busy stepmoms don’t often get a lot of time to themselves. If this rings true for you, look for ways to make room in your schedule for things you want to do! Chasing personal goals and passions is vital to finding balance as a parent. Scheduling time for yourself, whether it’s a workout, a hobby, or just some quiet time to relax, can help you recharge and reduce stress. It’s easy to feel guilty for taking time away from your family, but this will make you a happier and more present parent. Plus, setting an example of self-care for your kids can help them learn to prioritize their well-being!

Staying organized is crucial for managing your daily routine and keeping your home running smoothly. From managing documents digitally to staying on top of daily decluttering, there are many ways to reduce stress and save time without spending money. Take a proactive approach to organization and time management so you can live your best life as a stepmom!

Carrie Spencer created The Spencers Adventures to share her family’s homesteading adventures. On the site, she shares tips on living self-sufficiently, fruit and vegetable gardening, parenting, conservation, and more. She and her wife have 3 kids, 2 dogs, 4 cats, 3 goats, 32 chickens, and a whole bunch of bees. Their goal is to live as self-sufficiently and environmentally-consciously as possible.

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1. Focus on your own mother or someone in your life who is a mom-like figure.

Make plans to spend Mother’s Day with your mom, whether it’s having brunch, visiting a garden, or going out for ice cream. This year, I’m planning on going to a special tea with my mom. If you live far away from your mom, find another way to celebrate her. One year, I got a book called Letters to My Mom, which has 12 letters inside with different prompts. Each day, I would write one or two letters to my mom. It brought up so many good memories as I was writing in it! If you have lost your mom, you can still write letters to her. Thinking of those special memories will help you in your grieving process. Or you can write letters or work on a project for another important woman in your life, such as your favorite aunt or your sister.

2. Communicate your wishes to your partner.

If you have younger stepchildren, don’t expect your stepchildren to make a card or get a gift for you. Instead, let your partner know how you would like to celebrate, and what you would like them to do. Your partner should set an example and lead the children. When I first got married, I thought I shouldn’t have to tell my husband what to do for me. He should just know, and he should do it. Of course, when he didn’t do what I wanted, I felt disappointed. I soon realized that I had set unrealistic expectations. Both of us were much happier when I told him, “Get flowers and a cupcake for me. I would also like a card and please have everyone sign it.”

3. Celebrate being a Dog Mom or a Cat Mom.

National Dog Mom’s Day is May 13th this year, so if you prefer to celebrate being a Dog Mom, do that! Being a dog mom has helped me in my stepmom role, so I take advantage of any opportunity to celebrate. Full disclosure: I always tell my husband to buy a card for me from our pets. Last year I may have picked the card out for myself and told my husband to give to me on Mother’s Day. There are no rules, so celebrate in whatever way makes you feel comfortable.

4. Celebrate on Stepmother’s Day

Stepmother’s Day, established in 2000 by nine-year-old Lizzie Capuzzi who wanted to celebrate her stepmom, is the Sunday after Mother’s Day. Some stepmoms choose to celebrate with their families on this day and have their own special traditions.

Above all, whether you know it or not, what you do as a stepmom makes a difference. Normally, I have a Mother’s Day project where I make and send cards to stepmoms. However, this year I decided to do things differently. You can enjoy some of the images from previous years below. If you’d like some extra support in your stepmom role, treat yourself to Stepmom Bootcamp: A 21-Day Challenge or a subscription to StepMom Magazine. However you decide to celebrate Mother’s Day, I hope you know how special you are.

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At one point, as Rosie and Noreen start discussing their parents’ lives, they seem to catch themselves.

“If we spent even a quarter of the time focusing on ourselves that we do worrying about everyone else’s lives…” Rosie said.

“Why do you think that is?” Noreen asked.

“I like to think it’s because I’m such a kind, loving, unselfish person.” She laughed. “But if I’m really honest with myself, I think I spend a lot of time hiding behind the never-ending needs of my family. It keeps me from having to think about what I want out of my own life.”

What a powerful moment in the book! How often do we focus on others simply because it’s easier than focusing on ourselves?

How to Create Joy in Your Life

Make Self-Care a Priority

Choose a variety of activities each month that fulfill you socially, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Select activities that will help you face each day with energy, joy, and enthusiasm. In other words, these activities fill your cup and help you be the best version of yourself. I like to plan a lazy Saturday morning each month. I block off my calendar so I can sleep in, have pancakes, put a heated lavender eye mask on, and read or watch a movie. This recharges me so I can enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Self-care may mean something as simple as getting outside each day, or taking a yoga class. In fact, a study by researchers at NYU Grossman School of Medicine found that yoga was more effective than stress education in treating people with generalized anxiety disorder. More than 54 percent of people with anxiety noticed an improvement in symptoms after doing yoga two hours a week for three months, compared to 33 percent who received stress education. Whether it’s yoga, or jogging, or spending time friends, find an outlet that allows you to be yourself and release stress.

Make a Plan

Feeling stuck in your daily routine? Or feeling like you’re not living live to the fullest? If you have a plan, you’ll stay focused on your own aims and goals. One idea is to try making a “23 for 2023 List” of aims. This list idea was inspired by Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project. I made my list in late January, and my items ranged widely from taking a pottery class, to reading 50 books this year, to spending a couple weeks in Greece. I love crossing things off my list, and when I have some free time, I look at my list to see if there’s something I can conquer.

Self-Regulate

Stepmom life can be stressful, but your strength lies in how you handle that stress. Notice when your body is feeling tense. If you have a perceived threat, your body’s alarm system, or sympathetic nervous system is activated. When this happens, your heart rate goes up, your breathing quickens, and your muscles tense. It’s what we commonly refer to as the “Flight or Fight Response” to threats or danger.

In order to interrupt this threat response during every day triggers or stressors, use tactical breathing and body scanning techniques to relax your body and feel more comfortable. You can learn more about these techniques and how to use them here. If you’re able to physically relax your body, you won’t feel stressed.

These are three quick tips to create joy in your life. If you start practicing these on a regular basis, you’ll notice a difference! What do you do to create joy in your life? Share in the comments!

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

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What is Closeness Communication Bias?

A couple of weeks ago, I was having dinner with my husband and my parents. My husband started asking my parents questions about when they met, and how they started dating. This was a story I thought I knew well, so I wasn’t listening attentively. However, as my parents were sharing their story, I found myself saying, “What? I didn’t know that?!” and “Really?” quite a few times.

This is an example of closeness communication bias, which means that we assume we know everything about our loved ones, so we fail to listen closely. We become complacent in our relationship, and stop being curious about each other. Why? Because we overestimate how well we know the other person. This causes us to miss out on important moments with our loved ones.  

How to Overcome Closeness Communication Bias

1. Ask your spouse questions and practice empathic listening. Shared vulnerability leads to feelings of intimacy and closeness. Try asking your spouse “The 36 Questions that Lead to Love.” Arthur Aron, a psychology professor, used these questions in a research study. He paired students together, and had them ask each other these 36 questions. After finishing the exercise, the paired students reported strong feelings of closeness, more so than other students who were paired together to accomplish a task. In fact, two pairs of the subjects ending up getting married later on.

2. Eat dinner together as a family. I know this is challenging with school, work, and extracurricular activities, but try to make it happen when you can. Numerous studies have touted the benefits of families eating together, ranging from lower depression rates among teens to higher GPAS to lower obesity rates. The Family Dinner Project, created by a group of Harvard researchers, has conversation starters, recipes, and even games to play with your family.

3. Try improv. It sounds silly, but many companies, such as Google and Ford, have used it for professional development and team building activities with their employees. I tried it myself a couple years ago, and I found 3 basic improv techniques to improve stepfamily communication.

4. Give your full attention to the speaker, whether it’s your spouse or your daughter or your stepson. Non-verbal cues are key! In fact, at least 55 percent of the emotional content of a message is expressed non-verbally, according to psychologist Albert Mehrabian’s research. If you’re looking at your phone or the TV, you’re missing a big chunk of what the speaker is trying to say. Put your phone away and tune out distractions. Be fully present in the moment.  

Try it Out

I hope that you can carve out a little time in your day to try these exercises. Investing time in your family is one of the biggest investments you’ll make. One way we can achieve this is through talking and really listening to our loved ones. As Mother Teresa said, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post Closeness Communication Bias: Why it’s Hurting our Relationships appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

There are different types of visualization techniques. We use some in everyday life, such as when we visualize our performance before giving a presentation. Others are used in cognitive behavioral therapy to help people reduce anxiety or find motivation. Athletes consistently use visualization to improve their athletic performance. We can also apply this technique to our stepfamily life to visualize an intended outcome or to rehearse a scenario. Visualization can give us a means of control in a situation that we may feel is otherwise uncontrollable.

60 Seconds a Day: How to Use Visualization in Your Stepfamily Life

1. Choose a mental barrier you would like to overcome or a goal you would like to achieve within your stepfamily.

Some examples of typical barriers in stepfamilies are:

• feeling stressed out on transition days
• getting upset when clothes aren’t sent back between households
• getting triggered when the custody schedule changes

Some examples of common goals in stepfamilies are:

• better communication between spouses
• stronger connections with stepfamily members
• healthier relationships within the stepfamily

2. Set aside 60 seconds a day to visualize yourself overcoming that barrier or achieving that goal. In addition to visualizing, you can also write or talk about what you want to achieve. If you want a concrete visual reminder, you can create a vision board.

By making a small investment of 60 seconds a day, you will give energy to what you want to overcome or achieve. As author David Schwartz said, “Look at things not as they are but as they can be. Visualization adds value to everything. A bigger thinker always visualizes what can be done in the future.”

Ready for a Challenge?

If you are ready for a change, join a 21-day challenge with Stepmom Bootcamp. Stepmom Bootcamp will help you transform your stepmom life. By completing readings, daily challenges, and reflections, you will gain a better understanding of yourself as a stepmom. You will walk away with inner peace, greater clarity on your stepmom role, and a vision for your life in the future.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post Visualization: 60 Seconds a Day to a Better Stepfamily Life appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Forced Family Fun

One year, I was in Nebraska visiting my family at the end of the year, so I “strongly encouraged” my whole family to fill out reflection sheets for the year. By strongly encourage, I mean that the no-nonsense teacher in me appeared, and I made them all sit down at the table, handed out pens and paper, and told them to get started. If someone tried to slip away, I looked at their partially completed paper and guided them back to their chair. In the beginning, they were joking around—trying to look at their neighbor’s paper, shuffling their papers around as they were trying to come up with ideas for each of the categories. After they finished, I asked each person to share one section of their sheet.

As we went around the room, listening to each person share, I realized that everyone was present. Fully present in the moment. They were really listening to each person share. Smiles broke out when someone mentioned their name as part of their best family memory.  Before long, they were wistfully reminiscing about their memories over the past year and laughing about some of the lessons that others learned. The best part was that we all learned something about each other (and ourselves) in the process.

Benefits of Reflecting and Goal-Setting

My point is you might have to “strongly encourage” or force your family to participate in reflection and goal setting. However, once you do it, your whole family will reap the benefits. In fact, one study discovered that people who reflect regularly are happier, more productive, and less burnt out than those who don’t. Furthermore, according to researchers, you are 42% more likely to achieve your goals if you write them down.

That’s why I created doodling pages to help you get started. Start with 2022 and do some reflecting. Afterwards, move on to 2023 and set goals to get a strong start on the new year. I’d love to hear about your best family memory from 2022.  Share yours in the comments below!

For more ideas on how to start a practice of Intentional Reflection, click here.

Free Printables: 2022 Reflection and 2023 Goal-Setting Sheets

Click on the sheets below to download them!

Ready for a Challenge?

If you are ready for a change, join a 21-day challenge with Stepmom Bootcamp. Stepmom Bootcamp will help you transform your stepmom life. By completing readings, daily challenges, and reflections, you will gain a better understanding of yourself as a stepmom. You will walk away with inner peace, greater clarity on your stepmom role, and a vision for your life in the future.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post Stepmoms, Make 2023 Your Best Year Yet! appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Are you looking for the perfect gift for your children or stepchildren? Since the average stepfamily takes about four to seven years to blend or bond together, one of the best gifts you can give your family is bonding experiences. The power of these shared experiences is huge. In fact, numerous studies on happiness reveal that people experience greater satisfaction, happiness, and gratitude from experience gifts rather than material gifts.

Side-by-side activities are a great choice for stepfamily members because they can focus on an activity rather than the pressure of interacting “head-on” with one another. Let’s take a look at some good experience gifts for stepfamilies!

Give the Gift Of Experience to Your Stepfamily

Ice Skating or Roller Skating: You can bond over the shared experience of learning how to skate if your family is new to it. While falling down may hurt, you can also laugh together as you’re learning.

Zoo Membership: Typically, zoos have events, such as ZooLights or Boo at the Zoo, so you can enjoy this experience throughout the whole year.

Cooking or Baking Class: What better way to bond than over food? With this activity, you also get to enjoy the fruits of your labor.  

Escape Room: This is a great adventurous activity for teenagers! The goal is to work together to solve puzzles to escape the locked room within a time limit.

High Tea: Getting dressed up and going to a high tea is a special activity that you can enjoy with children of all ages. It’s even more memorable if you can get your mom and grandma to join as well.

These activities give you a chance to make some fun memories with your stepfamily. And you’ll not only have the experience, but you’ll also relive these experiences and talk about them in years to come!

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

The post 5 Best Experience Gifts for Your Stepfamily appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Stepfamily life can be stressful. You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells and find yourself second-guessing something you said to your stepchildren or to your spouse. Did that come off the right way? Was that hurtful? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Ever woken up at night and started ruminating over something that happened earlier that day?

That’s where self-compassion comes in. If you get into the habit of practicing self-compassion, you’ll notice a difference in how you approach situations in your stepfamily. According to findings by Dr. Kristin Neff, a lead researcher on self-compassion, greater self-compassion reduces anxiety and depression.

What is Self-Compassion?

So you’ve probably heard of self-compassion, but what is it exactly? In simple terms, self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend, especially in regards to your self-talk. A more in-depth definition includes three core elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Pay special attention to how you treat yourself when you make a mistake. Do you have a harsh “inner critic” who is constantly berating you? Or are you supportive and encouraging when things don’t go as planned? Let’s take a look at examples for each of the core elements for someone who is practicing self-compassion.

The Three Core Elements of Self-Compassion

Self-kindness means not beating yourself up or being overly critical when you make a mistake. Instead, you are encouraging and supportive, just as you would be with a good friend. Yeah, it’s too bad that happened, but it’s not the end of the world. I was coming from a place of love and I meant well.

Common humanity is recognizing that everyone fails and makes mistakes at times. It’s what makes us human. Everyone says something that comes out wrong at times. It’s perfectly natural to slip up and say something, but I’m trying my best.

Mindfulness is being present in the moment and being aware of your thoughts and emotions, allowing yourself to feel those unpleasant feelings but not drowning in them. I feel bad about what I said. Of course I wish I hadn’t said it, but I did. I will apologize and explain myself tomorrow.

When we approach those tough moments with self-compassion, our emotional well-being improves. We don’t ruminate as much, and our relationships are stronger. We can handle situations with resilience, and over time, we are able to transform our lives.

For Further Reading

Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and Thrive. Guilford Publications.

About the Author

Elizabeth Mosaidis is a Certified Resilience Professional through the Trauma Institute International. She is also a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach and an author. Her books are available here.

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