StepMom Magazine has provided much-needed support for me over the years. In that first year as a stepmom, StepMom Magazine answered many of those questions I was too ashamed to ask. As I read articles written by fellow stepmoms and experts, I felt like I wasn’t alone. This encouraged me and reminded me that everyone struggles, no matter how much experience they have or how much they have prepared for something.

In every issue, you’ll find a variety of timely topics designed to support stepmoms. In the August issue, you can read about everything from overcoming resentment to being a codependent stepmom. You can subscribe to StepMom Magazine, download the August issue, and start reading it today!

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One of the most joyful experiences in life is the unconditional love of our pets. They bring us so much happiness and teach us important lessons in life like responsibility, patience, and love.

For many of us, losing our beloved companions can feel as painful as losing a human family member.  A child’s first experience in dealing with the concept of death may be the loss of their pet.

What is the Rainbow Bridge?

The Rainbow Bridge became a popular poem in the 1980’s and 1990’s as a way of easing the pain of pet owners mourning the loss of their pet.  According to the poem, a deceased pet will immediately go to a beautiful green meadow, in perfect health, with plenty of food, water and sunshine. They are not alone because the meadow is filled with many deceased pets, equally as healthy and happy. They will play with the other animals until their owner’s death.  The pet and their owners will reunite and cross the Rainbow Bridge, together, into heaven. The Rainbow Bridge is a fictional bridge that connects earth to heaven.

It’s a happy ending for pets and their owners.  This belief makes “loss” feel temporary since owners feel they will be reunited with their pets in the afterlife.

We all face loss and grief throughout our lives.  The pain associated with loss can feel unbearable; yet, in our hearts, we know it is an unavoidable experience.

Most importantly, death and loss should not feel like a taboo subject when faced with a fatal diagnosis, impending death, or the emotions experienced after the loss of a loved one.  Talking about death and dying may feel uncomfortable, but it can also help prepare us emotionally for the inevitable.  

Molly: A Special Member of our Family

When my daughter was five years old, we rescued a five-month-old black cat from a shelter.  Her name was Molly.  She lived to be twenty-one years of age. She passed away on Easter morning in 2017.  My daughter’s grief was intense.  Her emotions fluctuated between gentle tears, sobbing, anger, and depression.  As we sat in the quiet room at the veterinarian’s office, we held Molly on our lap, bundled up in a blanket, revealing only her furry head with her eyes closed.  She looked very peaceful.

My daughter and I reminisced about our time with Molly, her favorite toys, her quirky behavior which made us laugh, and her favorite places to curl up on her favorite blanket.  My daughter mentioned a phrase she would repeat to Molly each morning; “I love you more than life itself.”  That phrase is inscribed on Molly’s cremation box.  That first year following her death was difficult, yet my daughter found a way to honor her best friend.  She created a shrine to remember the happiness Molly brought into her life.

She saved her favorite blanket and toys and placed them in a container that sits on her closet shelf.  My daughter created a collage of her favorite photos with Molly. I gave her a “memory candle” signifying the loss of a loved one, which she lights on Molly’s birthday and death day.  Since Molly’s passing, my daughter has adopted another cat from a shelter.  At first, she felt guilty knowing the new cat could not replace the love she felt for Molly.  I reminded her that she rescued Molly from a shelter and loved her to the fullest.  Her new cat, Simba, also needed to be rescued and deserves to be loved as well.  Where one life is taken; another life is saved!

Helping Kids Cope with the Loss of a Pet

Encouraging open communication and sharing feelings is vitally important when dealing with loss of any kind.  Just being present lets the grief-stricken know they are not alone.  To help children cope with loss, it’s always best to be honest with simple explanations about death, loss, and the many emotions of grief. It’s important to reassure children that they are not the cause of their pet’s illness or death. If a pet is gravely ill and euthanasia is an option, ask children if they would like to be present during the process. Offer to read to children to help explain the loss of a loved one as well as the concept of The Rainbow Bridge.  The death experience can be an opportunity for growth.

There are several unique ways to memorialize one who has passed: create a shrine, plant a tree in their memory, create a piece of jewelry or art made of their ashes, dedicate a memorial bench, or turn their clothes into a quilt. Feel the love and loss of your loved one and allow that love to guide you toward your remembrance of them.

“There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.”~ Mahatma Gandhi

Karen Struck is the author of the children’s book series Three Paws.  Her latest release, Three Paws and the Secret Cave, helps children through the loss of a loved one. Outside of being a children’s book author, Karen is a registered nurse and works in the aesthetic industry. For more information visit https://karenstruckauthor.com.

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If you are raising teenage daughters or stepdaughters, you may be wondering what happened now that they’ve hit the teen years. Has your teenager been having “meltdowns” or “tantrums” similar to the kind toddlers have? Are you having trouble connecting with your teenager? Why is your teenage daughter or stepdaughter suddenly pushing you away?

Raising teenagers in itself can be challenging, but when you factor in the stepfamily dynamics, it takes it to another level. Furthermore, researchers have found that teenage and pre-teen girls have the hardest time adjusting to a stepfamily, according to Dr. Patricia Papernow, author of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn’t. Dr. Papernow found that children under eight years old have an easier time adjusting to being part of a stepfamily than older children. Overall, boys typically have an easier time than girls.

How to Help

So what can we do to help our teenage stepdaughters? I’ve found the best way is through educating yourself about what teenage girls are going through. Even though you were once a teenager, teenagers today are growing up in a different world, with a new set of challenges.

That’s where Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Dr. Lisa Damour comes in. If you’re struggling with your stepdaughter’s moods or attitudes, this is a must-read for you. Dr. Damour, psychotherapist and researcher, walks us through the seven transitions or developmental strands to adulthood for teenage girls. She explains these transitions through the eyes of parents and their teenage daughters. Dr. Damour also gives concrete examples of what to say in difficult situations with your teenager.

Teenage Girls: When To Worry

If your stepdaughter is giving you or your partner attitude, talking back, and being disrespectful, you may be wondering, Is this normal? What should we do about this? Or maybe she is failing classes or was caught drinking. Often, we get an offhand response from a friend. “That’s normal. They’re just being a teenager.” We hear this so many times, but is it normal? When is there cause for concern? Dr. Damour addresses this in a “When to Worry” section at the end of each chapter, which provides examples of when to seek help for your teenager.

Overall, Untangled is an invaluable resource in gaining insight into what your teenage stepdaughter is experiencing and how you can respond to her. I would highly recommend reading it and sharing it with your partner. The more knowledge you have, the better equipped you will be to deal with the teenage years. Ultimately, it will allow you to be more empathetic towards your teenage stepdaughter and to know when there is cause for concern.

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Here are some common questions and concerns I hear from stepmoms:

• I’m really worried about my stepchild’s grades. What should I do?
• I don’t know how involved I should be in discussions about my stepchild’s academics.
• What is the best way to discuss grades with my stepchild?

Of course, every situation is different, but these are some of my responses to these comments:

• You need to assess the situation and look at the impact of your input.

• If you are more concerned about your stepchildren’s grades than your stepchild and/or their parents, and it’s causing stress in your household, ask yourself why you are so concerned. If you feel like you are swimming upstream against a strong current, you may want to step back to save your own sanity.

• However, if your input is positively influencing the situation, then by all means, stay involved. Every situation is unique, so it depends on what works for you and your stepfamily. 

If you decide to discuss grades with your stepchildren, research suggests a good place to start is by encouraging a growth mindset. The best way to encourage a growth mindset is through having discussions and modeling the behavior you want to see. Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, has some other specific suggestions for teenage girls.

Growth Mindset vs. a Fixed Mindset

Dr. Carol Dweck, author and researcher, coined the terms growth mindset and fixed mindset to describe the beliefs that people hold about their intelligence and ability to learn.

A growth mindset means that you believe you can learn to do anything you want. You realize that challenges help you grow. You believe that your effort and attitude determine your abilities. If you have a growth mindset, you believe you can grow and learn, which fuels your achievement. Ultimately, you see failure as an opportunity to grow.

On the other hand, a fixed mindset means that you believe your abilities are unchanging. You don’t think that you can change the results because you think your potential is predetermined. So why even try? With a fixed mindest, you believe that either you are good at it or you’re not. You see failure as the limit of your abilities.

Having Discussions and Modeling Behavior

You can talk to your stepchildren about these mindsets, and give examples from your own life experiences. With these examples, you can show how they relate to schoolwork and grades. You may even share the same fixed mindset about something, and you can work through it together.

In addition to your discussions, make sure you are modeling the behavior you want to see in your stepchildren. Maybe you started cooking instead of defaulting to eating out or maybe you decided to grow your own produce. These are great “teaching moments” for your stepkids. For instance, I used to have a fixed mindset about growing plants. I thought I didn’t have a green thumb because I had several plants that died, so I stopped buying plants. To change my mindset, I researched plants and found houseplants that are good for beginners. I bought those plants, and I’ve been careful about taking care of them. And guess what? They are flourishing! It’s amazing what you can do if you change your mindset and try it out!

How to Give Praise and Feedback

Along with encouraging a growth mindset, you’ll also want to be aware of how you are giving praise and feedback to your stepchildren. Research shows you’ll have the best results with the following:

1. Praise efforts or strategies rather than children’s intelligence or talent

“It looks like using those flashcards to study for your science test really helped you to remember those biology terms. I’m proud of you!”

2. Give specific feedback related to how the children’s effort or strategy contributed to their understanding (Dweck, Walton, & Cohne, 2014)

“You did an excellent job of brainstorming and creating an outline for your persuasive essay. It looks like that helped you create a well-organized essay with clear points. Keep up the good work- it’s really paying off!”

3. Offer demanding yet supportive feedback

According to Angela Duckworth, best-selling author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, you should have high expectations for kids. When they don’t meet your expectations, give criticism that suggests “I know you can do better.”

Overall, this is a positive framework for you to start discussing grades and academics with your stepchildren. Through modeling, you can reinforce the idea of having a growth mindset. Above all, hopefully it will become second nature for your stepchildren to have a growth mindset when approaching not only academics, but anything in life.

Reference

Dweck, C. S., Walton, G. M., & Cohen, G. L. (2014). Academic Tenacity: Mindsets and Skills that Promote Long-Term Learning. Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

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National Stepfamily Day is a nationally and an internationally recognized holiday that is celebrated on September 16^th each year.  It’s a time for stepfamilies to get together and celebrate being part of a stepfamily. Christy Tusing-Borgeld is the founder of National Stepfamily Day and you can read the inspiring story of how she started it HERE. This year, National Stepfamily Day falls on a Wednesday, but you can still do something fun after work or school to celebrate with your family.

8 Ways to Celebrate National Stepfamily Day:

1. Family picnic. Enjoy the outdoors and have a picnic! You can even get a fun picnic basket for the occasion.
2. Cookie decorating. Cookie, cupcake, or cake decorating is a fun side-by-side activity that you can do. Plus, you can enjoy all of the goodies that you decorate!
3. Bike ride. Go on a bike ride around your neighborhood or load your bikes up and check out a new trail.
4. Board games. Scrabble, Monopoly, or Clue, anyone?!
5. Go out for ice cream or frozen yogurt. You don’t have to do anything too elaborate– just enjoy having dessert with each other.
6. Play a sport together. Frisbee, sand volleyball, softball… Get everyone together and have some fun!
7. Rent a pedal boat or a kayak. Check local lakes or parks to see if they have pedal boats or kayaks available to rent. If you’re in the Phoenix area, Tempe Town Lake and Kiwanis Lake offer boat rentals. Get out on the water and cool off!
8. Go on a mural tour. Take a driving tour of the murals in your area. We went on one in Tempe, Arizona, and we saw some incredible artwork!

No matter how you choose to celebrate, make the most of every moment that you spend with your family.  Celebrate the unique qualities of each person in your family and make some wonderful memories together!

Have other ideas? Wanna share how you’re going to celebrate? Share in the comments!

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What does family mean to you?  Today’s definition of family means something different to each and every one of us. My favorite definition of family is quoted by an unknown author: “Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.” Family also represents past, current and future generations. In a broader sense, family can extend to a society or even to the human race.

Today’s families embrace a variety of family types:

• The nuclear or traditional family consists of two parents and their children.
• Single-parent families are more common today due to a rise in divorce.  
• Extended and blended families include families brought together through remarriage where each partner has children from a previous marriage but are blended during remarriage to new partners. Extended families live together for social support and may extend to aunts, uncles, or grandparents all living under the same roof.
• Adoption is another aspect of family life and a blessing to both the adopted child and their adoptive parents.
• Informal families form a supportive network of like-minded people sharing common interests, beliefs, and respect for one another.
• Childless families are quite common and even though these couples do not have children, many consider their pets as family members and enjoy the happiness of unconditional love offered by the benefits of owning and caring for a pet.

I have experienced a variety of family types in my own life. My biological parents divorced when I was very young. When my father remarried, my new mother legally adopted my brother and me. I am eternally grateful for the role she played in positively shaping my life. I, too, have experienced divorce and became a single parent when my daughter was sixteen. I remarried four years ago and now my daughter is part of a blended family through remarriage. I also love my two stepchildren, and my daughter loves being a part of our blended family. Being an only child, she appreciates and enjoys the company of her stepsiblings.

During our first Christmas as a blended family, my daughter shared her happiness while opening Christmas presents right beside her stepsiblings. They are all in their twenties and have similar interests, enjoy the same jokes, and find endless entertainment in mocking their parents. All in good fun, of course! Later that evening she said, most enthusiastically, “Mom, this has been the best Christmas ever!” That one statement warmed my heart.

Books that teach children about different types of families

As a new children’s book author, I now have two published children’s books: Three Paws and Three Paws’ New Family. In book one, Three Paws, my main character Boots, a three-pawed grizzly bear cub, and his sister, Chinook, form a family with their biological mother. Because Mother Grizzly is raising her two cubs alone, they are part of a single-parent family.

In book two, Three Paws’ New Family, I introduce two new characters. Sockeye, a black bear, has lost her mother and is still too young to safely survive on her own. However, as a black bear, she innately knows how to skillfully climb tall trees to evade most predators. Sockeye meets a Mexican Iguana, Pepe, who lives with his human family in Ketchikan, Alaska.

While out for a stroll, enjoying the beautiful Alaskan wilderness, Pepe finds himself lost and alone, unable to find his way back home. In their need for companionship and love, Sockeye befriends Pepe. They form an “informal” family based on mutual respect and a desire to care for one another. One day, Sockeye and Pepe rescue Boots from the jaws of a hungry lion and all three become fast friends, enjoying many adventures. Mother Grizzly is grateful to Sockeye and Pepe for saving her cub. She also recognizes that Sockeye and Pepe need a real home and family to love and support them.

The ending is heartwarming. Mother Grizzly invites Sockeye and Pepe to live with them, in the comfort of their den, and become part of their family-their “new” family. For Sockeye, this is bittersweet, for she misses her mother but recognizes the need for that parental role in her life. Mother Grizzly will fill that supportive, loving role. Her tears represent tears of joy and gratitude. In this case, Mother Grizzly, Boots, Chinook, Sockeye and Pepe form an “extended” family.

Despite the limitations and challenges that may occur in any family, encourage deep connections that allow family love to flourish and thrive. Celebrate family!

Karen Struck is the author of the inspirational children’s books Three Paws, and Three Paws’ New Family. For more information, visit www.karenstruckauthor.com.

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If you’re interested in stepfamily coaching or workshops, sign up and let’s get started. I love to give stepfamilies the knowledge and strategies they need to strengthen their relationships!

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Imagine if we had the same mindset when challenges came up in our stepfamily life. What if, instead of shying away from those challenges, we embraced them and used them as an opportunity for personal growth?

So, the temperature was about 105 degrees when Saki started the race at 7 pm, and it did drop down, but he ran all night until he finished around 4 am. He had two headlamps, but the batteries died in both of them, so he ended up running the last 10 kilometers (about 6 miles) in the dark with only the moonlight to light the path. Saki is 71 years old. And if you’re thinking he is one of those people who has been running marathons all his life, you’re wrong. He ran his first marathon when he was 60. (Pretty amazing, right?) When I asked him how he is able to run these long distances, his response was, “It’s all in your mindset.”

Mindset is also key in your stepfamily life. How are you approaching difficult situations? In any situation, you can look at challenges in a negative way, or you can train yourself to adapt to a situation so you can do your best. Having a positive outlook is also better for your health. Johns Hopkins Assistant Professor of Medicine Lisa Yanek, M.P.H. found that people with a family history of heart disease who had a positive outlook were one-third less likely to have a heart attack within five to 25 years than those who had a negative mindset.

In Saki’s case, since he wasn’t used to the desert heat in the summer, he ran a few night runs to prepare. Even though the race was challenging, he approached it with a positive attitude and decided on the proper steps to be successful and finish the race. When his headlamps died and he was running in the dark, he didn’t give up. On the contrary, that made him all the more determined to finish the race.

We can take the same approach with the challenges in our stepfamily life. Of course, no matter how much we prepare, obstacles will still come up and we’ll have to decide how to react to those situations. That’s when our mindset will make all the difference. Bob Bitchin best sums up this idea with a quote– “The difference between an ordeal and an adventure is attitude.”

Ready for a Challenge?

If you are ready for a change, join a 21-day challenge with Stepmom Bootcamp, a book designed to help you transform your stepmom life. By completing readings, daily challenges, and reflections, you will gain a better understanding of yourself as a stepmom. You will walk away with inner peace, greater clarity on your stepmom role, and a vision for your life in the future. Get started today!

Reference

The Power of Positive Thinking

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Also, keep in mind that the intensity of the transition varies depending on how long your stepchildren are at each house. When my stepdaughter turned 10, we switched from a 2-2-5 schedule (2 days at Mom’s house, 2 days at Dad’s house & alternating weekends) to a week at Mom’s house and a week at Dad’s house. This helped reduce the number of transition days, but it increased the intensity of the transition.

So, how can you ease the transition?

1. Don’t pepper the children with questions when they first arrive.

Instead, let them volunteer information. Share your news and give them an opportunity to share theirs. Just be aware that they may be hesitant to share because their mom could have told them not to talk about her household. This puts your stepchildren in a loyalty bind, which is tough for them. Instead, be open to what they want to share, but don’t probe.

2. Think twice before planning a family outing that day.

Your stepchildren will need time to decompress and will probably want some alone time. (See Tip #3 below.) If you plan a family outing that requires pressure to communicate and be “on” all day, the day might be ruined if your stepchildren are not interacting with the rest of the family. This happened to my husband and I when we planned to go to a fall festival as soon as my stepdaughter returned from her mom’s house one weekend. My stepdaughter ended up crying several times before we left and was uncommunicative during the day. Finally, she said she missed family members who were visiting from out-of-town on her mom’s side. In hindsight, a low-key day watching a movie or doing a side-by-side activity, such as baking, would have given her more time to adjust without a lot of pressure.

3. Give your stepchildren time to decompress and recalibrate.

Your stepchildren may want to spend some time in their rooms. Don’t take it personally. They might need some time to readjust and to put some of their things away. If they are upset when they get home, have them take a shower or a bath to calm down and reset their mood.  

Express empathy. “I bet it’s tough to switch houses. If you want to talk about it, your Dad and I are here.” Once again, don’t probe, but let them know that you understand it’s tough, and you are open to talking about it.

4. Stick to a routine, so your stepchildren know what to expect when they return.

This could be something as simple as a family movie night with pizza on transition days. You can have everyone make their own little pizzas or you can order one. A night like this brings the family together but doesn’t require a lot of conversation. Bonus: it also doesn’t require the effort of cooking a homemade meal.

Another routine that could help you (and your stepchildren) is writing in a gratitude journal before bedtime. Expressing gratitude has a wide variety of benefits, including lowering stress levels and improving sleep, according to researchers.

5. Recognize that transition days could be hard on everyone, including you.

Be a little more forgiving and give yourself time to adjust. Don’t feel like you have to be “on” as soon as you get home. Take your dog for a walk or spend 10 minutes in your room to decompress before the evening activities. It’s okay if you need some time to adjust- your stepchildren and your partner also need that time. While transition days are tough, with a combination of love, compassion, and understanding, transition days will get easier.

What do you do to ease transition days? Share below in the comments!

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A lot of stepmoms ask me about resources for their stepchildren that will address stepfamily issues. They want to find books with characters who are part of a stepfamily, so their stepchildren can relate to the characters and the types of issues they’re having. This helps stepfamilies open up a dialogue on how the children feel about having two homes and stepparents. So when I found a unique children’s book that does just that, I had to share it with all of you! The book even includes a song that you can sing with your stepchildren.

I interviewed the author, Shannon Forster, and she told me all about her inspiration behind Love Grows and Grows: A Blooming Story for an Extended Family as well as her passion for helping stepfamilies. Shannon lives in Weston, Florida, where she is a wife, mom, and stepmom.

Tell us about your book. What’s the story?

My book has characters styled as human-hybrid flowers; which themselves are a metaphor for growth and the evolution towards love.  The story follows young siblings Flora and Leaf as they transition into a new and unfamiliar life between two homes- one with Mom, and one with Dad and his new wife.  Their journey highlights the challenges associated with creating extended families: a child’s apprehension of meeting someone new, and eventually choosing to accept and embrace this person to become a part of their world.  With love and patience, we see a mom and a stepmom model a wonderful example of how to put their children first, working together to create a blended family with happy and confident kids. This example of unconditional love is what empowers Flora and Leaf to embrace a new definition of a typical family, and cultivate a new “normal” that benefits everyone involved.

What inspired you to write the book?

Being a member of our community, I feel it is important to create something positive, and to give back to others whenever possible. When beginning my journey to create this book, I was shocked to discover that this had never been done before!  (Half of marriages end in divorce, and most have children). After I got divorced and became a single mother, I wanted to do everything I could to make this new life transition as easy as possible for my children. In doing so, I immediately befriended their stepmother, and my children loved her from the first day of meeting her.

Throughout the years, I have had countless parents approach me and ask me how I created such a calm and peaceful environment for my kids.  I knew I had a lesson to teach so many other families; that divorce and co-parenting can be wonderful, not frightening.  When I went to the library and every local book store to see what they had for children to help them with this, the answer I always received was, “We don’t have a book for children to help them with this.”  I just couldn’t believe it! I went home that day and began to create what is now called, Love Grows and Grows: A Blooming Story for an Extended Family. Since being published, I have had so many parents and children hug me and tell me thank you for writing this story.

How did you come up with the name of your book? What is the message?

The title, Love Grows and Grows: A Blooming Story for an Extended Family, outlines the single most important rule I have ever taught my children. “Love grows and grows,” was something I would say to them all the time. When I became inspired to write this story, I envisioned the characters as hybrid human flowers. The more flowers you add to a garden, the more beautiful it becomes. Thus, the concept of flowers always blooming and growing when nurtured serves as a terrific metaphor to deliver my message of embracing extended love. 

What lesson do you hope to teach children?

I hope that children and their families walk away with the courage and trust to believe in themselves. I want people to realize that great things can come from accepting an unknown, seemingly unforeseeable, perhaps even scary future. So many children (and adults) are extremely confused and apprehensive of change when faced with a new family dynamic.  Part of our role as parents is to create a positive and even fun environment for them to realize that this change can be good—perhaps even better than the status quo. 

Get your own copy!

Love Grows and Grows can be purchased on Amazon or on lovegrowsandgrows.com. It’s available in English and Spanish.

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