Let’s walk through the SPIKES Protocol steps:

Set up the Situation

Let’s imagine that you and your spouse need to talk to your teenage stepchildren about moving to a different city. You know that it’s going to be a tough conversation, so take some time to consider where you will talk to them. A comfortable, quiet place where you can have some privacy is best. You’ll also want to remove any physical barriers. Studies have shown that sitting next to each other rather than behind a table or a desk encourages a more spontaneous conversation.

Perception

Before you start telling, ask your stepchildren what they understand about the situation. This step is all about assessing the other person’s understanding or perception of the situation before you begin telling them the bad news. Therefore, you’ll ask open-ended questions, such as “You might have heard us talking about the potential promotion at work and how that might affect our family. What do you understand about the situation?” It’s important for you to understand the other person’s perception of the situation so you are on the same page. Make sure that you listen carefully while the other person is talking.

Invitation

Now it’s time to invite the other person to discuss the situation. In our example, you’ll ask your stepchildren if they are ready to talk about the situation. Depending on what kind of day that person has had, they may or may not be in the frame of mind to talk about the situation. You can also ask them how they would like to receive the information. “Unfortunately, I have some bad news that I would like to share with you. Would you like to discuss it now?” This lets the person know that you have upsetting news to share, and it will help lessen the shock when they hear the news. They can brace themselves for the news. “How would you like me to share the information with you? Would you like a shortened version or do you want all of the details?”

Knowledge

During this step, your job is to impart knowledge. Explain the situation clearly and carefully by breaking it down into chunks if necessary and confirming that the person understands as you go along. You are responsible for giving the facts of the situation. With your stepchildren, you might say, “I got a big promotion at work which requires our family to move to the regional office in Texas. I will be the sales manager, and I will oversee about 100 people. It’s quite a promotion, and I have been working hard for the past 6 years, just waiting for an opportunity like this. I asked if there is any possibility of working remotely, but the vice president of the company said that it isn’t possible right now. They really need my leadership skills in the regional office right now. As you’re sharing the facts, you can ask, “Are you following me? Did that make sense?”

Empathy

Show empathy to the other person. During this step, it’s important to observe and acknowledge the other person’s feelings. “I can see this is not what you expected. This must be tough for you.” If the other person is silent, you can ask exploratory questions to see how they are feeling or what may be bothering them.  “How do you feel about the situation?” or “What is your biggest concern?” With your stepchildren, give them a chance to express themselves, and then acknowledge their feelings.

Strategize and Summarize

Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, now it’s time to work together to figure out a plan for the future. Depending on the situation, you can come up with solutions, an action plan, or alternate options. In the example with your stepchildren, you could brainstorm some ideas on what could make the situation easier. You’ll also summarize the situation and make sure you answer any lingering questions your stepchildren have.

Even though giving bad news is never easy, if you follow the SPIKES Protocol, you’ll feel better equipped to handle the situation. What tips do you have for sharing bad news? What has helped you either give or receive bad news?

The post How to Give Bad News Gracefully Using the SPIKES Protocol appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Meeting fellow stepmoms at the event

If you’re interested in booking Elizabeth to speak about stepfamilies or stepmoms at your event, please fill out this contact form.

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When we reached the top, he took me by complete surprise and proposed to me.  At the time, we were also training for a half marathon at the beginning of March that year.  So we would go on long training runs and spend the whole time talking. One day, we had a 10-mile training run and that’s how we ended up planning our wedding! During this run, we decided to have a small wedding and get married while my parents were visiting in a couple of weeks for several reasons.

1. Both of our families live in different states, so everyone would have had to fly into Phoenix.
2. Summer in Phoenix was coming up and making everyone come to Phoenix during the inferno known as summer would have been cruel.
3. I had never wanted a big wedding. I always dreamed of a smaller, meaningful ceremony with family and close friends. My husband was completely on board with this!
4. The thought of planning a wedding for months or years did not appeal to me at all.
5. We were ready to begin our new life together.

Planning a wedding in such a short time is not for the faint of heart, but it worked for us! We ended up running our half marathon on a Saturday, going to a Nascar race with my parents on Sunday, and then tying the knot on a Tuesday night at sunset in the same place we had met, Papago Park, an urban mountain in the heart of Phoenix.

Somehow, I managed to pick out a wedding dress and have it altered three times before the wedding.  My stepdaughter was the ring bearer and she got to hand out bubbles at the end.

My dad got to walk me down the “aisle” which was actually part of a hiking trail.

And a bunch of hikers got to see a small wedding party walking along the trail to a ramada for the ceremony.

While certainly unconventional, our wedding was uniquely “ours” and neither one of us would have changed a thing about that day.  My point in sharing the story of our wedding day is to tell you that it’s okay to do whatever you and your husband decide on that day. With stepfamilies, so many questions, doubts, and stressors can come up in planning your wedding day. Where should we have the wedding? Should the stepchildren be part of the wedding day? How involved should the stepchildren be in the planning part of the wedding? What about the honeymoon? Will the other parent be able to keep the stepchildren while we go on a honeymoon? You and your partner will have to decide what’s best for your family because everyone’s situation is so different.

Make sure that first you and partner have open communication about the big day and make those decisions as a couple. Then you can bring your stepchildren into the mix. Want to have Bundt cakes instead of a wedding cake? Do it! Want to keep it small and not invite extended family? Sure. Why not? Need to have your honeymoon later due to parenting schedules? That’s fine! Just remember to make your decisions together and make the day yours as a couple. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to please everyone on this day or trying to satisfy other people’s expectations of your big day. Just remember this day is you and your partner’s day. It is an important celebration of your love and sets the tone for the beginning of your marriage journey. This is the day that you’ll celebrate each year and the day that you’ll talk about for years to come. Make it yours.

Want to share your wedding story? Have a piece of advice for wedding planning? Share in the comments!

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10 Ways to Celebrate National Stepfamily Day:

1. Family picnic. Enjoy the outdoors and have a picnic!

   

2. Cookie decorating. Cookie, cupcake, or cake decorating is a fun side-by-side activity that you can do. Plus, you can enjoy all of the goodies that you decorate! I found an awesome cookie shop called Smith-O-Lator that also offers cookie decorating classes.
3. Bike ride. Go on a bike ride around your neighborhood or load your bikes up and check out a new trail.
4. Board games. Scrabble, Monopoly, or Clue, anyone?!
5. Day trip. Find a natural attraction, national park, or an amusement park in your area and enjoy the day there.
6. Visit the zoo or a museum. Do you have any unusual museums in the area? If you do a quick Google search, you might be surprised by what turns up. We found the Hall of Flame Museum of Firefighting which is really cool!
7. Go bowling.
8. Go out for ice cream or frozen yogurt. You don’t have to do anything too elaborate– just enjoy having dessert with each other.
9. Play a sport together. Frisbee, sand volleyball, softball… Get everyone together and have some fun!
10. Family-friendly comedy show. Laugh together! We’ll be enjoying Stepfamily Appreciation Night at JesterZ Improv Comedy on September 16th. Join us!

No matter how you choose to celebrate, make the most of every moment that you spend with your family.  Celebrate the unique qualities of each person in your family and make some wonderful memories together!

Have other ideas? Wanna share how you’re going to celebrate? Share in the comments!

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