In my work with stepmoms, I’ve heard one word come up repeatedly: control. So many stepmoms have told me how they feel like they don’t have control over their lives. They feel like they can’t speak up and they can’t make parenting decisions. In fact, they feel like major life decisions, such as where their family will live, are out of their control. Sound familiar? If you’re feeling like this, you are definitely not alone. It’s one of the challenges that we face as stepmoms. The challenge is figuring out what we can control and accepting what it is outside of our control. Also, we have to learn when and how to speak up and set healthy boundaries to meet our needs. If it sounds like a lot to navigate–you’re right, it is!

The Link Between Control and Wellbeing

I’ve often wondered what kind of toll this is taking on our emotional wellbeing. Recently, I read an interesting study in Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari that may correlate with what we experience in our stepmom role. Michael Marmot, a European psychiatrist, conducted a study of British civil servants to find out what kind of effect a lack of control has on the wellbeing of employees.

Michael and his team interviewed workers within the same civil service band, but who had differing levels of control within their job. Their findings were striking. If you had a higher degree of control within your job, you were a lot less likely to become depressed than your coworkers with a lower level of control over their work – even if your coworkers earned the same salary and had the same status within the same office. This study is just one example of the profound effect that a lack of control can have on our life.

You’re not powerless. Take control!

So, we know that it’s completely normal to feel this way, but what can we do about it? To find out more about how you can set healthy boundaries, speak up, and make changes that will have a lasting effect, commit to doing the work in Stepmom Bootcamp: A 21-Day Challenge. Stepmom Bootcamp has daily challenges that help you transform your stepmom life. In fact, Day 17 is all about accepting things that are outside of your control. Take a step in the right direction and get your copy here.

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It’s the beginning of a new year, which means new resolutions and goals. One study conducted by Strava, a social network for athletes, found that most people give up on their resolutions by January 12^th. A mere 12 days?! What is happening here? Of course, people have the best of the intentions when they make their resolutions, but they aren’t able to keep them for a multitude of reasons. Maybe their expectations were too high, or they didn’t really want them as much as they imagined initially. In fact, a very small percentage of us actually keep our resolutions–only 8%, according to a study conducted by the University of Scranton and published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology.

Bridge Challenges

One way we can combat this inability to follow through on our resolutions is to break them down into a series of small steps. Research has shown that when you attempt a big challenge, it can seem overwhelming. However, when you break it down into a series of small steps, that challenge is more achievable. These small steps are known as bridge challenges because they bridge the gap between what you see as possible and impossible. For instance, one of my resolutions is to be more active each day, whether it is going for a jog, walking around at lunch, hiking, or roller-skating. I am holding myself accountable by taking a picture of my feet while I am being active each day. (Sounds silly, but it works for me!) I will also reflect on my progress each week and make adjustments as necessary.  

Make Resolutions

You can apply the same principles to your resolutions regarding your stepfamily life. Make a resolution, break it down into bridge challenges, hold yourself accountable for your resolutions, and reflect on your progress. The reflection piece is important, as one study discovered that people who reflect regularly are happier, more productive, and less burnt out than those who don’t. (For more ideas on how to start a practice of Intentional Reflection, click here.)

So, what are your resolutions for this year? What kinds of changes do you want to make? In my work with stepmoms, I’ve discovered some common themes. Stepmoms often talk about:

–Strengthening the relationship with my partner

-Overcoming overload and regaining my energy

-Working on my overall happiness

-Learning how to handle criticism

-Getting more structure and discipline in our household

Whatever your resolutions may be for the upcoming year, write them down.  According to researchers, you are 42% more likely to achieve your goals if you write them down.

Ready for a Challenge?

If you are ready for a change, join a 21-day challenge with Stepmom Bootcamp, a book that is designed to help you transform your stepmom life. By completing readings, daily challenges, and reflections, you will gain a better understanding of yourself as a stepmom. You will walk away with inner peace, greater clarity on your stepmom role, and a vision for your life in the future. Get started today!

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My husband and I recently went on a road trip to White Sands, New Mexico, which is just over 6 hours from Phoenix. We make it a priority to go on one overseas trip a year, and then we like to go on smaller trips closer to home throughout the rest of the year. One of our passions is traveling, so we try to go as often as possible.

We bond through our experiences with planning our trips, traveling, eating, and having fun in new places. This is what Ron Deal and David Olson, authors of The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, call the “fun factor” of a marriage. Shared leisure activity is the number four predictor of a healthy marriage according to a survey of 50,000 couples conducted by Deal and Olson. Shared leisure activity gives couples an opportunity to bond. We’ve also found that while we always learn something about each other, we also learn life lessons during our travels. This time, we learned our lessons from a sand dune.

Lessons from a Sand Dune

Embrace Winds of Change

The sand dunes are constantly moving and changing due to the strong winds in New Mexico. We learned that they can move up to 30 feet per year, depending on their size. This makes it hard for plants who try to grow there, but the amazing thing is that plants have adapted to live in the sand dunes. For instance, the skunkbrush sumac grows deep roots that form a pedestal after the sand dune moves on. This is a great example of adaptation that we can apply to our stepfamily lives. As situations in a stepfamily are constantly changing, we can first acknowledge that change is inevitable. Then we can take responsibility for how we react to that change.  Getting upset at things that are outside of our control doesn’t change anything- it simply puts us in a bad mood.

I had to embrace my own winds of change as we were getting ready to leave on our trip. I had been wanting to go to White Sands for about 5 years, so I was excited to leave at 8 am, as we had planned. However, just as we were getting ready to leave, my husband had an unexpected work emergency, and we were delayed 3 hours. Originally, I had planned on us getting to the park in time for the sunset on the first night. Since the last entry into the park is at 5 pm, there was no way we were going to be able to get there in time, especially if we stopped to eat or go to the bathroom. (And let’s face it- we were going to stop!)

Normally, I would have been anxiously waiting to leave. Instead, I told myself there was nothing I could do to change the situation. I calmly read magazines until it was time to leave, and my husband thanked me for waiting patiently. I decided that I wanted to have a fun time on our trip, and even though our plans had to change, we would still make the most of our time together.

Keep moving

Just as the wind keeps the sand dunes moving, we also need to be moving forward and progressing. With stepfamilies, the progress may seem slow (like one grain of sand at a time), but the important thing is that the movement is still there. If you think back to when your stepfamily started until now, you’ll be able to see the progress your family has made. When we were walking in the sand dunes, sometimes it felt like we were in the same place because the scenery didn’t change much, but in actuality, we had covered quite a bit of ground.

Soak up the sunshine

It cools down in the desert at night, so much so that the sand was cool to the touch. We found out that White Sands has short, cold winters, with temperatures frequently dropping to below freezing at night. That’s why it’s important to soak up the sunshine during the day and enjoy it as much as possible. We enjoyed sledding down the sand dunes and having a picnic. However, when we were watching the sunset, we had to bundle up because we got chilled. And we can compare this to our stepfamily. We’ll have wonderful days where we have fun and laugh together. We need to soak those days up and treasure them. Those bright days can carry us through the dark ones when it seems like we aren’t getting along or talking.

Overall, our trip to White Sands was a memorable one. We laughed so hard as we were sledding that it reminded me of when I was a kid. We went on a sunset stroll and marveled at the beauty of the sand dunes in the setting sun. In the evening, we enjoyed hamburgers at Y’all’s Steakhouse in Alamogordo. If you’re thinking about going on a trip with your partner, make it happen. You deserve the time together, so don’t feel guilty! It will strengthen your marriage and provide a good example of a healthy marriage to your children and stepchildren.

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Are you getting enough quality time with your partner? Do you have regular date nights? Or have your date nights been replaced by watching TV together on the couch? When was the last time you and your partner laughed and had fun together? Hopefully, you’re getting out and having fun with your partner, but the reality is that it can be a struggle to get that quality time. Between work schedules, parenting schedules, and the demands of daily life obligations, our relationships often fall to the bottom of our list of priorities.  According to a study conducted by Ron Deal and David Olson, authors of The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, of the 50,000 couples they surveyed, 51 percent of the people wished that their partner had more time and energy for shared recreation or interests.

Having a strong foundation with our partner is especially important in a stepfamily because we need that foundation, built on love, trust, and quality time, to give us the strength to handle day-to-day challenges. In fact, Deal and Olson discovered that shared leisure activity was the number four predictor of a happy, healthy marriage. That’s why it’s crucial to invest that time into your relationship–it can make or break your relationship.

Maximizing Quality Time in the Azores

My husband and I take this idea very seriously. One of our shared interests is traveling. Both of us lived overseas for a while, and we love to experience new things, so we make it a priority to go on one overseas trip together a year. It takes a lot of planning between work, our parenting schedule, and pets, but we make it happen. This year, we went to the Azores, a chain of nine volcanic islands in the Atlantic Ocean, about 4.5 hours by plane from Boston. This was one of the most beautiful and unique places we have ever visited. We rented a car and drove around the largest island, Sao Miguel. We went on hikes, visited a tea plantation, swam in a thermal bath, and ate corn boiled in volcanic waters.

Lessons from a Pineapple Plantation

We visited a pineapple plantation, and each greenhouse had pineapples in different stages of growth. Did you know it takes about 2 years to grow a pineapple? Pretty amazing, right? Just as pineapples take time and effort to grow, stepfamilies take about 4 to 7 years on average to blend. And by blend, I mean that’s when they feel more comfortable with each other. Each family has their own unique blend of challenges, and they grow at their own speed, and that’s okay. Don’t force it– give your family time and space to grow. (Read more about my experience as a stepparent here.)

Every minute counts

We had the best time together. We navigated narrow cobblestoned streets, tried new foods, and crossed another place off our bucket list. Even though we had to plan months in advance, it was worth every minute we spent together. So, my question to you is: when can you set aside some quality time with your partner to do something that you both enjoy? Think of a fun hike you can go on together or a new place you can explore. You might need to get inventive in how you carve out that time, but start planning it!

I’d like to hear about your travel ideas! Any suggestions of beautiful places you’ve been for next year?

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Instead of making a “To Do” List, take 1-2 minutes to think back over 2018 and make a “Done” List. Write down as many things as you can think of in the time limit and be prepared to be surprised by all that you accomplished over the year. Stepmoms, you can also use this time to think about what you’ve accomplished as a stepmom and write down those things that make you proud.

Here’s my list—“Done” in 2018

1. Saw my first glacier and the Northern Lights in Iceland
2. Held 5 workshops for stepmoms over the course of the year
3. Gave a talk on stepfamilies at the Artisan Fest
4. Hosted a stepmom/stepchild book club. Read more about it here.
5. Created bookmarks for a fun stepfamily event at the Artisan Fest
6. Planned a family vacation to Nebraska

After you finish your list, take some time to celebrate your accomplishments—whether they are big or small—before you start thinking about your goals and resolutions for next year. When you look over your list, you’ll probably realize that you’ve accomplished a lot more than you expected. I think you’ll agree you’re pretty darn amazing!

What’s on your list? Share in the comments!

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So this idea of space, or lack of space, came up in our family as my husband and I were shopping for houses.  When we were looking to buy our house, we walked in, opened the closet door near the front door and were surprised to see a desk and chair in there! Both of us laughed and kind of joked about it, but as we continued on through the house, I started thinking about the office in a closet and how awesome it would be to have my office in there. Maybe it’s from my years of living in Japan, where space is at a premium, and every item has a purpose, or the fact that we were downsizing and I was losing my office, but the office in a closet was the perfect solution for me. I could use the space and then close it off when I wasn’t in it! I mentioned it to my husband, and he said that he actually thought it was a really neat idea and the space was all mine.

I suppose it would have been really useful as an extra storage closet for our family, but I’m so grateful to have this space for my office!  Oh, and it probably didn’t help that I happened to search for “Office in a Closet” on Pinterest. (Don’t do it! Too many cute ideas on there!)

Even if you don’t have a lot of space, or you’re concerned about how you’re going to merge your households into one, try to come up with some creative solutions to find comfortable spaces for everyone. Your kids and stepkids will appreciate it. AND it will help everyone feel like they belong and have a special place in the family household.

I’ve just gotten started with decorating my office and making the space mine. (And it’s been lots of fun! I’m actually writing this blog post from my closet!)

If you decide to turn one of your closets into an office, here are some things to keep in mind:

• Cutouts– Having cutouts in your shelves for cords is key! I have cutouts in each shelf on the left-hand side. You’ll need these for your laptop and anything else that you want to plug in.
• Light– You’ll probably want a lamp to light up your space and make it cozy.
• File Cabinet– I don’t know why I didn’t get one of these sooner! It’s so handy for storing all of my papers!
• Chair– Make sure that your chair is small enough to fit inside your closet when you close the doors.
• Dry Erase Board– I hung a dry erase board on my closet door, but you can hang anything you want on your doors to help you fully utilize the space. (The possibilities are endless…chalkboard, calendar, organizational caddies. Just have fun with it!)

What creative ideas do you have for utilizing small spaces? If you would like an idea for utilizing space that your stepkid would love, read about how to set up an art cart! How did you merge your households together while still retaining space for each family member? Share in the comments!

The post Why I’m Excited to Have My Office in a Closet appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

Join Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, best-selling author and relationship therapist, and Elizabeth Mosaidis, author and certified Stepfamily Foundation coach, for a FREE masterclass for stepmoms on October 14th at 1 pm Eastern time.

This class can transform any issue you may be having in your marriage or with your step kids. Dr Bonnie is going to go over a very powerful process in the class and you will leave with a plan for how to talk about anything with your husband and step kids in a way that gets better results.

Space is limited! Register for this free class HERE!

**Even if you’re busy on Saturday, you can still register and access the replay later.

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While I was participating in an Introduction to Improv workshop recently, I realized that some of the techniques could be applied to stepfamily communication.   Jef, Dalane, Kevin, and Chris of JesterZ Improv led us through a series of exercises to put us at ease and to teach us some of the basic principles of improv. (If you read my last blog post, you discovered that improv is a fear of mine, so I was surprised by how comfortable I felt during the workshop!) In fact, I left the workshop wanting to learn more and to apply the techniques to my life.

3 Improv Techniques to Improve Stepfamily Communication

1. “Yes, and…”

With improv, you are working with a group of people together to create a scene.  Being able to collaborate is important, so the “Yes, and…” idea is exactly what it sounds like:  when someone offers an idea, you listen and add another idea.  Instead of saying, “Yes, but…” which shuts that person’s ideas down, try accepting the other person’s idea and adding to it. One little word can make such a difference!

Try it out!

On a family outing, let family members know that you’d like to try something new and the rule for the next hour (or five!) is that instead of saying “Yes, but…” to someone’s idea, say “Yes, and…” Talk to them about the importance of working together as a family team and building each other up.  You might be surprised by their response!

2. Listen

When you’re part of an improv skit, you have no idea what is going to come out of the other person’s mouth. And you need to know what they are going to say because they’ll give you clues about the scene: where you are and who you are. This means that you need to listen carefully and then respond. You can’t plan what you’re going to say while they’re speaking.

How often do you halfheartedly listen to what your stepchildren or spouse say, but spend most of the time planning what you’re going to say? Imagine the impact if you were more intentional about fully listening to what they are saying.

Try it out!

One exercise that you could try out with your stepfamily is the “one word story.”  The rules are simple: with a partner, you tell a story using only one word at a time. One person starts by saying a word and the other person listens and then continues the story by saying a word.  What you’ll notice is that you can’t really plan what is going to happen in the story because you don’t know what the other person is going to say. This is also a great exercise in letting go of control because you have no control over where the story will lead. The story will have twists and turns because you and your partner are working together to create it.

3. Live in the moment

In an improv skit, you’re fully present in that moment. You’re engaged in the exchange between you and the other people on stage. You’re not concerned with what happened in the past or what will happen in the future.  (Who knows WHAT will happen next? That’s all part of the beauty of improvisation!) What would happen if we applied this concept to our stepfamily life? How would our exchanges with our stepfamily members improve?

Try it out!

When you’re having a family meal, have everyone put their cell phones away. Don’t worry about taking pictures or posting to Instagram.  Share what you enjoy about each person or what you enjoy about that moment with each other.  Try doing this more often when you’re together as a family.

Overall, I loved the central idea of collaboration over competition in improv. If we apply this idea to our stepfamily interactions, our relationships will improve.  Think about how we could build each other up rather than tear each other down!  How do you think these techniques could help you? Have any other ideas about how improv techniques could be applied to communication with stepfamily members? Share in the comments!

Wanna learn more about improv? Interested in checking out a class?  Try JesterZ!

Celebrate National Stepfamily Day at JesterZ

If you’re in the Phoenix area, join Elizabeth Mosaidis, author of The Stepmom Project, for a special Stepfamily Appreciation Night at JesterZ on September 16th.  See all the details and buy tickets HERE!

The post 3 Basic Improv Techniques to Improve Stepfamily Communication appeared first on The Stepmom Project.

So why did I sign up? Ultimately, the reason I signed up is BECAUSE it terrifies me.  Want to know something else? I scare myself like this on a regular basis.  I wrote a book. Do you know how scary it is to publish a book and have strangers read about some of the personal details of your life? I moved to a different country without knowing a single soul there.  Could you build a life in a foreign country so far away from your friends and family? I had to find out the answer to that question, so even though it scared me, I moved to Japan.

People use different terms to describe this experience – breaking out of your comfort zone or challenging yourself.  I believe that when you’re challenging yourself or trying something new, real growth happens. And I think that we can apply this idea to our lives as stepmoms.  Have you been thinking about having a tough conversation with your stepchild, but you don’t quite know where to start? Have you wanted to plan a vacation with your husband and stepchildren to visit your family, but you don’t know if everyone will get along?  These are just a couple of examples of scary situations for stepmoms, but there are quite a few out there for stepmoms. Actually, just the thought of becoming a stepmom can be pretty scary for lots of women out there.  Even though these situations are scary, true change and growth can also come out of these experiences.

I talked to one stepmom recently who was upset because she had a tiff with her teenage stepdaughter over some sensitive topics related to clothing.  When I encouraged this stepmom to talk to her stepdaughter, she hesitated and said she didn’t want to because she didn’t want to make the situation worse.  Once again, I urged her to be honest and let her stepdaughter know that she loves her and just wants the best for her. The next day, she told me that it was really hard to bring it up to her stepdaughter, but as soon as she did, her stepdaughter opened up and shared how she felt about the situation.  As a result of the conversation, they were able to understand the other’s perspective. Both of them felt better after the conversation and the stepmom mentioned that she felt closer to her stepdaughter.

This is just one example of how a situation that scares you can bring about positive change.  I encourage you to look at what areas of your stepmom life you would like to change.  Is there a way that you could break out of your comfort zone or challenge yourself?  It might be painful and scary, but if it brings about positive change, it’s worth it.  Oh, and my improv class? I’m hoping that it’ll help me improve my public speaking skills.  Update: You can find out how it went here.

What about you? Share what scares you and what you’re going to do about it in the comments.

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